Dreaming of words

          What ever said and done, if I get my hands on a wonderful book, I forget all my worries and depressions and get myself immersed in it. I looooooove reading.I love to say that I don't read, but devour books.

          My ultimate fantasy is to get a hefty salary for simply reading the books that I love. What a beautiful dream :)

My Idea of Heaven

           This is the book that I'm currently reading. Got it about a month back. But unlike novels, which I usually read, this is a history book and u have to do some work reading it. But I persist since Ashoka is the historical figure that I like most. I'm almost half way through it.

          

          This is a great book with a narrative style that will make you a part of the long journey of re-discovering the history of Ashoka. When you read about how our precious historical artifacts were wantonly destroyed by ignorant people of bygone years, you'll definitely feel sorry. When I went through the book, I felt like it was a most wonderful thing how the history of Kind Ashoka, which was forgotten for centuries, again came to be known and celebrated. We learn about the great king in school without ever learning how history trod roughly upon his memory. This book is a must read for every enthusiast of history. 

Some of my attempts to distract myself

          Ever since I started upon tatting, I used what ever time I could to find tatting patterns on the net and reproduce them.

          None of the patterns above are original. They are reproductions from various sites I found on the net.
But the one below happened when I tried freestyling.

          This happened when I started learning crochet. But I haven't progressed much ever since.

          And here's an attempt on beading - a beaded rose (Not original -of course!!).

          Guess I'm doing doing a passable job of finding a reason to live :)

Low AMH, High FSH and tatting.

      What can be the connection between these things, u may wonder. But in my case, there is every connection between them since the first two led me to the third one which is currently my primary reason to live.

          It all started on the day a few months back when my doctor told me that I apparently have 'low AMH and high FSH' which means that I have very few and mostly rotten eggs in my ovary so that most probably I won't be able to have a kid of my own. My world turned upside down and it hasn't been the same ever since. Now I'm left to find out a reason to sustain my living and every day is a new battle.

         Agreed it is not like I've some grievous disease like cancer. But this condition also requires a daily battle - battling off curious people (I can't even make new acquaintances coz then there will be the inevitable question -'and your kids?'), Finding time and money to undergo treatment which requires me to go to hospital for atleast 5 days every month (this is the most difficult battle because I'm shouldering the most thankless and demanding Office job and my probation hasn't been declared yet), Finding ways to remain sane after continous encounters with insensitive/sadistic doctors who inflict the most humiliating and painful treatment procedures on me, the depression and hopelessness that some times barge in, and most of all the feeling that there is nothing that I can do to stop this from happening to me.

          One day I was particularly depressed and was finding enjoyment in the fantasy of locking up and torturing all those relatives who can't take a rest without finding out  why I'm not having kids. But after some time even that offered little consolation and I was on the verge of breaking down. In order to distract my self I decided to browse internet for some mural paintings and I stumbled upon the blog that changed my life - Bhavani Harikrishnan at Needlecraft. 

              After I saw those beautiful bookmarks that she'd done I couldn't wait till I learn to make them. As there was nowhere I could find a tatting shuttle I began with needle tatting and this was the first piece that I ever tatted.

          Now, whenever things look bleak, I take up tatting or some other wonderful creative forms that this sweet blog taught me - like crochet, beading or embroidery. But the biggest problem is I'm still using up most of my energy hating my circumstances. So I intend this blog to be my journal in which I keep a record of my struggles against my 'conditions' and my attitude.

 

          To anybody who ever visits this world of mine - Please be my friend, but until I tell u never ask me the question '...and how many kids do u have?'.

By Way of Introduction

I'm a totally confused human being who have no idea what's going on with life. I'm just going where ever life is taking me without any plan. I feel like i have no control over what had happened or is happening in my life and i feel i'm totally floating of to somewhere. I try to find some mooring by doing something creative but i'm so fickle that i don't seem to be able to pursue anything to a proper ending. I wish i'd be able to outgrow this at some point.