I'm learning that you can live even if you don't have reasons to live. Life will just go on if you just breathe in and breathe out. You can flow along, detached. Yes....
even that is possible..
Thursday, 31 January 2019
Life goes on sans aims
Thursday, 27 August 2015
Trying to go on... Aug 2015
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| Baking is my new love... These cookies are my first attempt.. |
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| Found this puppy near my office.. He was adopted by one of the staff. |
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| For two days this one followed me from home till bus stop and back again... then she was nowhere to be seen. |
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| Totally changed my perspective of world... |
Thursday, 6 August 2015
Thursday, 15 August 2013
Stupid Stupid Stupid Eggs
My body can't produce even one decent egg now. So much for taking all these costly treatments.
I was to have my first IVF cycle this month and when they called from my hospital to reach there on day2, I was a bit hopeful, even though I was not much hopeful. For IVF treatment I have to go to the main hospital which is situated at our state capital and I am living three districts away. So it was truly a nightmare to travel to and from the hospital every day for all those damn injections. The biggest problem was what to do with my work. I couldn't afford to take leave for all those days. But fortunately 3 holidays came in a succession and that was a big relief. Then started the big strike in our capital city and every day I was afraid that there will be some major problem and they will declare a hartal and then I may not be able to reach the hospital in time. But somehow or other, with a lot of help from my parents I completed 3 days of pills and 8 days of injections (17 injections after which the area where they gave me injection in my upper arm has turned slighly blue. Is it normal? Gaahhhhhh...)
Then day before yesterday, they did a scan and told me the eggs weren't growing as much as they were supposed to be. In my earlier cycles, eventhough the number of eggs were not much, I never had a problem with growth. The one or two eggs that I had were all excellent eggs with above 20 cm growth on day 12. But now on day 13 they'v grown only 16 cm. Yesterday they confirmed this. My eggs have stopped growing. I have no idea how this happened.
Is it that all these medications have somehow caused this in my body? I don't know if I could trust treatment after this. I'm afraid that I will remain like this and my eggs have stopped growing forever. I'm not much of a religious person and my parents scold me saying that I should go to temple more often or otherwise I may not see any good results. Some times I find myself thinking that I'm going through this because I'm not religious enough.
Now my doctor gave me DHEA for another 2 months and told me this is a wonder drug and that after taking this, people are known to have achieved natural pregnancy. But what she didn't remember was that I had been taking it for the last 7 months. What difference can 2 more months make. Especially now that new problems are developing.
I know I should be more courageous and positive. But I feel like I've simply broke down. Apart from the emotional and financial difficulties I face, I don't know how to face the coming holidays when my husband's sister and brother (both of them with ample kids) come visiting. How can I fake smiling and answer the questions on my treatment from my sister-in-law and the wife of my brother-in-law. I don't think I'll have enough courage to tell them that my stupid body can't produce even one good egg. And when I look at my husband who is bravely hiding all his sadness to give me some support my heart breaks evenmore. I feel so guilty thinking that he got stuck with me. I want to just lie down somewhere and cry a lot. I don't have the courage to go back after two months and maybe hear the same verdict.
Am I Losing My Reason to Live?
I was to have my first IVF cycle this month and when they called from my hospital to reach there on day2, I was a bit hopeful, even though I was not much hopeful. For IVF treatment I have to go to the main hospital which is situated at our state capital and I am living three districts away. So it was truly a nightmare to travel to and from the hospital every day for all those damn injections. The biggest problem was what to do with my work. I couldn't afford to take leave for all those days. But fortunately 3 holidays came in a succession and that was a big relief. Then started the big strike in our capital city and every day I was afraid that there will be some major problem and they will declare a hartal and then I may not be able to reach the hospital in time. But somehow or other, with a lot of help from my parents I completed 3 days of pills and 8 days of injections (17 injections after which the area where they gave me injection in my upper arm has turned slighly blue. Is it normal? Gaahhhhhh...)
Then day before yesterday, they did a scan and told me the eggs weren't growing as much as they were supposed to be. In my earlier cycles, eventhough the number of eggs were not much, I never had a problem with growth. The one or two eggs that I had were all excellent eggs with above 20 cm growth on day 12. But now on day 13 they'v grown only 16 cm. Yesterday they confirmed this. My eggs have stopped growing. I have no idea how this happened.
Is it that all these medications have somehow caused this in my body? I don't know if I could trust treatment after this. I'm afraid that I will remain like this and my eggs have stopped growing forever. I'm not much of a religious person and my parents scold me saying that I should go to temple more often or otherwise I may not see any good results. Some times I find myself thinking that I'm going through this because I'm not religious enough.
Now my doctor gave me DHEA for another 2 months and told me this is a wonder drug and that after taking this, people are known to have achieved natural pregnancy. But what she didn't remember was that I had been taking it for the last 7 months. What difference can 2 more months make. Especially now that new problems are developing.
I know I should be more courageous and positive. But I feel like I've simply broke down. Apart from the emotional and financial difficulties I face, I don't know how to face the coming holidays when my husband's sister and brother (both of them with ample kids) come visiting. How can I fake smiling and answer the questions on my treatment from my sister-in-law and the wife of my brother-in-law. I don't think I'll have enough courage to tell them that my stupid body can't produce even one good egg. And when I look at my husband who is bravely hiding all his sadness to give me some support my heart breaks evenmore. I feel so guilty thinking that he got stuck with me. I want to just lie down somewhere and cry a lot. I don't have the courage to go back after two months and maybe hear the same verdict.
Am I Losing My Reason to Live?
Sunday, 4 August 2013
One worry in my life eliminated
It has been some time since I posted anything here and that was because I was busy eliminating a worry from my life. If I have to complete probation in my current job, I had to pass three exams and I had been putting off appearing for them due to many reasons but the main one being my laziness. But last month I decided I'll get it over with and after two-three weeks of studying I wrote the exams. I'm almost confident that I'll clear them. So Thankfully there will be one thing less to worry when the results will finally come.
On the IF front, I'm getting ready for my first IVF cycle. My Egg retrieval will happen around 12 August. I'm so confused about everything that I can't concentrate on anything. Hope everything will turn out fine.
On the IF front, I'm getting ready for my first IVF cycle. My Egg retrieval will happen around 12 August. I'm so confused about everything that I can't concentrate on anything. Hope everything will turn out fine.
Monday, 8 July 2013
Back....
Finally my DH found some time to repair my comp. In between this time, I was swinging from acute depression to mild depression because my 4th IUI also failed. But I feel a little better now. I did manage to squeeze in some work in between. Mostly during the TWW.
I tried making the starburst runner I found on Nima's blog. But then AF happened and I lost all urge to complete it. So I made it nano sized. Hope Nima will forgive me for thus mutilating this runner.
I went to hospital last week to again see the doc. She looked into my file and coolly said 'Now there seems to be no reason to continue with IUI. So let's start IVF. In your case, even with high stimulation your ovary may produce only one or two eggs. So there seems to be no much using costly medicine for follicular stimulation. So we'll do low cost IVF.' And I asked her 'Madam, But the first time they did IUI in the other hospital they got 4 eggs after stimulation.' And that 'WOMAN' had guts to look me in the eye and tell me 'But that was a long time ago. Now things are much worse.' I wanted to slap her and then bust out crying. But I somehow controlled myself and asked her 'Then madam, why did you make me go through 3 IUI's (plus one cycle wasted coz the doctor was on leave) if time was so important.' And she simply said, 'Well you can never tell.' Doesn't she have any idea that what she's treating so carelessly is my future? Now I've lost all the faith in this 'low cost IVF' thing that she is proposing. I wonder if it is not some other ploy to waste my time, money and precious eggs.
Anyway I have to go through this and there seems to be no other option. So please put in a word to God for me.
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| starburst runner - nano size |
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| Crocheted flower and leaf. |
I went to hospital last week to again see the doc. She looked into my file and coolly said 'Now there seems to be no reason to continue with IUI. So let's start IVF. In your case, even with high stimulation your ovary may produce only one or two eggs. So there seems to be no much using costly medicine for follicular stimulation. So we'll do low cost IVF.' And I asked her 'Madam, But the first time they did IUI in the other hospital they got 4 eggs after stimulation.' And that 'WOMAN' had guts to look me in the eye and tell me 'But that was a long time ago. Now things are much worse.' I wanted to slap her and then bust out crying. But I somehow controlled myself and asked her 'Then madam, why did you make me go through 3 IUI's (plus one cycle wasted coz the doctor was on leave) if time was so important.' And she simply said, 'Well you can never tell.' Doesn't she have any idea that what she's treating so carelessly is my future? Now I've lost all the faith in this 'low cost IVF' thing that she is proposing. I wonder if it is not some other ploy to waste my time, money and precious eggs.
Anyway I have to go through this and there seems to be no other option. So please put in a word to God for me.
Monday, 1 July 2013
Hope gone down the drain
Fourth IUI also a major failure. Right now I'm in the 'crying my eyes out' phase. I just don't want to go back to that ****ing hospital. Somebody please say something nice to me please.
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