My body can't produce even one decent egg now. So much for taking all these costly treatments.
I was to have my first IVF cycle this month and when they called from my hospital to reach there on day2, I was a bit hopeful, even though I was not much hopeful. For IVF treatment I have to go to the main hospital which is situated at our state capital and I am living three districts away. So it was truly a nightmare to travel to and from the hospital every day for all those damn injections. The biggest problem was what to do with my work. I couldn't afford to take leave for all those days. But fortunately 3 holidays came in a succession and that was a big relief. Then started the big strike in our capital city and every day I was afraid that there will be some major problem and they will declare a hartal and then I may not be able to reach the hospital in time. But somehow or other, with a lot of help from my parents I completed 3 days of pills and 8 days of injections (17 injections after which the area where they gave me injection in my upper arm has turned slighly blue. Is it normal? Gaahhhhhh...)
Then day before yesterday, they did a scan and told me the eggs weren't growing as much as they were supposed to be. In my earlier cycles, eventhough the number of eggs were not much, I never had a problem with growth. The one or two eggs that I had were all excellent eggs with above 20 cm growth on day 12. But now on day 13 they'v grown only 16 cm. Yesterday they confirmed this. My eggs have stopped growing. I have no idea how this happened.
Is it that all these medications have somehow caused this in my body? I don't know if I could trust treatment after this. I'm afraid that I will remain like this and my eggs have stopped growing forever. I'm not much of a religious person and my parents scold me saying that I should go to temple more often or otherwise I may not see any good results. Some times I find myself thinking that I'm going through this because I'm not religious enough.
Now my doctor gave me DHEA for another 2 months and told me this is a wonder drug and that after taking this, people are known to have achieved natural pregnancy. But what she didn't remember was that I had been taking it for the last 7 months. What difference can 2 more months make. Especially now that new problems are developing.
I know I should be more courageous and positive. But I feel like I've simply broke down. Apart from the emotional and financial difficulties I face, I don't know how to face the coming holidays when my husband's sister and brother (both of them with ample kids) come visiting. How can I fake smiling and answer the questions on my treatment from my sister-in-law and the wife of my brother-in-law. I don't think I'll have enough courage to tell them that my stupid body can't produce even one good egg. And when I look at my husband who is bravely hiding all his sadness to give me some support my heart breaks evenmore. I feel so guilty thinking that he got stuck with me. I want to just lie down somewhere and cry a lot. I don't have the courage to go back after two months and maybe hear the same verdict.
Am I Losing My Reason to Live?
I was to have my first IVF cycle this month and when they called from my hospital to reach there on day2, I was a bit hopeful, even though I was not much hopeful. For IVF treatment I have to go to the main hospital which is situated at our state capital and I am living three districts away. So it was truly a nightmare to travel to and from the hospital every day for all those damn injections. The biggest problem was what to do with my work. I couldn't afford to take leave for all those days. But fortunately 3 holidays came in a succession and that was a big relief. Then started the big strike in our capital city and every day I was afraid that there will be some major problem and they will declare a hartal and then I may not be able to reach the hospital in time. But somehow or other, with a lot of help from my parents I completed 3 days of pills and 8 days of injections (17 injections after which the area where they gave me injection in my upper arm has turned slighly blue. Is it normal? Gaahhhhhh...)
Then day before yesterday, they did a scan and told me the eggs weren't growing as much as they were supposed to be. In my earlier cycles, eventhough the number of eggs were not much, I never had a problem with growth. The one or two eggs that I had were all excellent eggs with above 20 cm growth on day 12. But now on day 13 they'v grown only 16 cm. Yesterday they confirmed this. My eggs have stopped growing. I have no idea how this happened.
Is it that all these medications have somehow caused this in my body? I don't know if I could trust treatment after this. I'm afraid that I will remain like this and my eggs have stopped growing forever. I'm not much of a religious person and my parents scold me saying that I should go to temple more often or otherwise I may not see any good results. Some times I find myself thinking that I'm going through this because I'm not religious enough.
Now my doctor gave me DHEA for another 2 months and told me this is a wonder drug and that after taking this, people are known to have achieved natural pregnancy. But what she didn't remember was that I had been taking it for the last 7 months. What difference can 2 more months make. Especially now that new problems are developing.
I know I should be more courageous and positive. But I feel like I've simply broke down. Apart from the emotional and financial difficulties I face, I don't know how to face the coming holidays when my husband's sister and brother (both of them with ample kids) come visiting. How can I fake smiling and answer the questions on my treatment from my sister-in-law and the wife of my brother-in-law. I don't think I'll have enough courage to tell them that my stupid body can't produce even one good egg. And when I look at my husband who is bravely hiding all his sadness to give me some support my heart breaks evenmore. I feel so guilty thinking that he got stuck with me. I want to just lie down somewhere and cry a lot. I don't have the courage to go back after two months and maybe hear the same verdict.
Am I Losing My Reason to Live?
Blue Rose, Sometimes my cycles behave erratically, and then they come back to "normal." Don't give up hope. I don't know why God is allowing us to go through these things, but I hope that someday it will be like one of your patterns: impossible to see the design until the work is finished. Love to you from the U.S.
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