Reasons I had and never realized

          Till now I've been worrying that I'v got no reason to live. But last 10 days taught me that there was much that I was just ignoring all this time.

          It all started when I lost my headphone. It was one which my husband gave me and was of excellent quality. I just can't figure out where I tossed it and I'm someone who never misplaces things. (my things especially). So now I can't peacefully enjoy one of the biggest blessings that I ignored until now - music.

          Then my father-in-law, who had always been of great support to me during my tumultuous journey of IF had an injury in his knee from falling down. Now he's bedridden and it pains me a lot.

          Then my laptop brokedown and that means I can't make any contact with any of my friends in my blog. I can't look up patterns for needlework and generally not distract myself. So now I'm using my office computer and while writing this post, every second I've to turn around and check if anyone is standing behind me and watching what I'm doing. Total lack of privacy :(

          Then my husband had to leave home for 3 days on an official tour.

          Now I'm suffering from a nasty cold.

         I'm wondering why I didn't realize that I had music, love and care, a hobby to indulge in and impeccable health (apart from dysfunctional ovaries) until I lost them one by one. I guess it must be the way of some external power to make me learn these things.

          Now, eventhough the only thing that is left to happen is AF which is due to happen next week, I feel I should've been happy for these things. But I've one new thing to be happy about and that is a new friend I made - nima at Made to treasure. Thanks Nima for your helping hand and beautiful patterns.

Tatting up Reasons to Live

Some motifs from different tatting and crochet sites which I reproduced.

Pineapple swirl edging - I made a mistake with the second pineapple. I forgot to make one set of chains. Hence the distorted look. :(

Now an original creation. I didn't follow any pattern when I did this work. But this is just a common combination of rings and chains.

I named this one 'The Muddy Star' because of its colour :)

New Discovery - Irish Crochet

          Last week I was browsing the net for crochet books and I came across a book on Irish Crochet. That was the first time I heard that term and I looked it up. I was mesmerized to see works done in this wonderful type of crochet. The feeling was similar to what I felt when I saw my first tatting pattern at needlecraft. I had to learn this wonderful art. So I downloaded a free book and set about learning Irish Crochet. This is the first result.

          In this type of crochet a padding cord is used to make sturdy lace with a 3D effect. If you look it up on google you can see the amazing things people have done using Irish Crochet. Maybe it was beginner's luck. But my first motif turned out alright. I'm still not completely sure about the technique. But I think this is a passable reproduction. Also I'm not sure if 'padding cord' is some special type of  cord. I just used the working thread folded into 4 as padding cord.

Musings on Human Nature and 4th IUI

          Finally the 4th IUI also got over yesterday. Now starts the miserable two week wait.

          I had to take an injection on the day before the IUI and since this medicine had to be kept refrigerated I didn't buy it from the hospital. Instead I got it from a pharmacy in my town. Then I went to three different labs to get the injection taken. But all of them sent me away. I was on the verge of tears as it was nearing 5'o clock and the medicine had to be taken at exactly five pm. As a last resort I went to the lab farthest from the town. I reached there exactly 5 minutes before 5'o clock and when i told them about the injection, the girl behind the counter said she'll ask her superiors about it since they usually don't take injections there. I waited praying to all Gods and i was ready to break down and cry if they said they wouldn't do it. But to my relief they were willing to do the injection. They didn't even take any payment from me since they usually didn't do injections there. They did it for me only because of the special situation. So I made a small donation to their charity club. When I left the technicians were very pleasant to me and made me promise that I'll tell them the good news if the IUI is successful. After the rejection at the first three labs, the people at this lab felt like angels to me. I wish all the good in this world to them. I wish I had the good fortune to visit them with sweets once I get my greatest wish granted.

Reception room of the Infertility Treatment Centre which I currently attend. The doll I hate is on the left side.

          The thing that I hate most about the IF treatment centre which I currently attend is the life size baby doll they have in their reception. I always feel an urge to smash it whenever I lay my eyes on it. It reminds me of my handicap in a most painful way and I feel like the hospital is trying to do some emotional blackmailing on all the patients who visit them using this doll. Does anybody agree with me or is it my sick mind conjuring up things out of my hatred towards my condition?

          This time also the Doctor yelled and scolded me when I cried out in pain during the process. I remember feeling depressed and thinking she ought to say relaxing things to me instead of shouting at me. I wish I could go back to my first doctor. He was infinitely better than the current one and while he did the first IUI on me he was so relaxed and talked to me soothingly during the process. Even though I felt some pain, it was really bearable since I could feel he was being careful. But this woman makes me feel like she is out to cut out my innards instead of treating me. Unfortunately, after the failure of my first IUI, the doctor said there is no use of continuing with IUIs and recommended me to another hospital for IVF. But since that hospital is not affordable to me I had to come to the hospital which I'm currently attending. Wish these people will come to senses and treat me in a more humane way.. :(

         

         

Moving On

          Last one week was hell, trying to come to terms with the fact that I will have to resume living with the nasty things that are happening to me. So I decided to modify my tactics and arm myself with new reasons to live.

          On Wednesday after the visit to my hated doctor (She chimed that we'll do one more cycle of IUI and I kept my face expressionless while what I wanted to scream at her was 'Do something aggressive for a change coz already my ovaries are 50 years old and I don't want to wait till they turn 60.' God!! Why doesn't she see the condition I'm in? Why does she insist on doing the same old treatments to me when my own body is plotting against me?) I went to my favourite book shop and bought a handful of books. I've also decided to brush up one of my earliest and most dreaded dreams - appearing for the civil service exam. Guess there is no harm in trying. Now I feel like I can face anything, even a failure in the exam, because I'm facing far far worse things.  

          So then I went to the Indian Coffee House and sat there and drank ...... COFFEE. Yes .... COFFEE. I haven't drank coffee ever since I started this cursed journey of IF and now I decided to break the spell. While I sat at ICH, reading my favorite book and drinking coffee, I tried to make myself believe that nothing has changed. That my life was still the old life when I roamed my most beloved Trivandrum city hunting the second hand bookstalls and adoring the city, its museum, the kanakakkunnu palace, the numerous small lanes, the evening rush in front of the secretariat and the libraries which were my haven. I tried to imagine that I was relaxed and there were no realities waiting to pounce upon me when I get back to life. And it helped. I feel like i've returned to being sane after that Wednesday.

          Now i'm somewhat ready to face the gruesome treatment and work schedule waiting for me this month. I've even figured out how to crochet a pineapple swirl edging. I'll post a picture when i'm finished. And I tatted some motifs and have started preparing for the exams.

And to everybody out there ... have a happy Monsoon:)

LATEST BATTLE

          My monthly woes were two days late this time and just as I started to build some hope, it came crashing through this morning. I was sooo totally shattered. Now I'm filled with dread and despair and heavy sadness. Wish I could take it on courageously like my friend Erika. But guess i'm too immature.

         I've always been proud of myself for my ability to face my problems and situations head on and deal with them directly. I am someone who hates waiting for something to happen to me and I usually go in search of things. But this is the worst that can happen to anyone like that. 

          When I confront Infertility, it is like I have my hands and feet tied up. There is nothing much that I can do except do what I ought to do and then wait for things to happen. It seems like an endless waiting. Every month I wait for the bad news to come and then wait to see the doctor, wait to get the medications, wait to get IUI done and then the cycle starts anew. This has become the deadly pattern of my life. 

          And when I called the hospital to ask if the doctor whom I wanted to see was available tomorrow, the answer was no. Now I have to again visit the replacement doctor who is a pure bitch. I don't know if this is her general attitude to life, but she seems to be very pessimistic in my case. She makes it a point to let me know that there is nothing much she can do to help me. She acts as if she is pushed to go through these motions. Not even a kind word or an encouraging gesture. There was this one time when I missed an appointment because my boss wouldn't grant me a leave. I rushed to the hospital at the next available opportunity and I was on the verge of tears cursing my stupid stupid stupid job but at the same time helpless to let it go coz it is what pays the bills for me. And when I went in to see the doctor, she simply started shouting at me for missing the appointment even when I told her of my predicament. I guess a bit sensitivity would have been better for me than those pills which she gave.

          I've been begging God to not make me go back to her this month. But here it goes again. And now i'm back with the endless wait and one more cycle of emotionally and physically painful IUI. I wish something nice would happen to me for a change.