My monthly woes were two days late this time and just as I started to build some hope, it came crashing through this morning. I was sooo totally shattered. Now I'm filled with dread and despair and heavy sadness. Wish I could take it on courageously like my friend Erika. But guess i'm too immature.
I've always been proud of myself for my ability to face my problems and situations head on and deal with them directly. I am someone who hates waiting for something to happen to me and I usually go in search of things. But this is the worst that can happen to anyone like that.
When I confront Infertility, it is like I have my hands and feet tied up. There is nothing much that I can do except do what I ought to do and then wait for things to happen. It seems like an endless waiting. Every month I wait for the bad news to come and then wait to see the doctor, wait to get the medications, wait to get IUI done and then the cycle starts anew. This has become the deadly pattern of my life.
And when I called the hospital to ask if the doctor whom I wanted to see was available tomorrow, the answer was no. Now I have to again visit the replacement doctor who is a pure bitch. I don't know if this is her general attitude to life, but she seems to be very pessimistic in my case. She makes it a point to let me know that there is nothing much she can do to help me. She acts as if she is pushed to go through these motions. Not even a kind word or an encouraging gesture. There was this one time when I missed an appointment because my boss wouldn't grant me a leave. I rushed to the hospital at the next available opportunity and I was on the verge of tears cursing my stupid stupid stupid job but at the same time helpless to let it go coz it is what pays the bills for me. And when I went in to see the doctor, she simply started shouting at me for missing the appointment even when I told her of my predicament. I guess a bit sensitivity would have been better for me than those pills which she gave.
I've been begging God to not make me go back to her this month. But here it goes again. And now i'm back with the endless wait and one more cycle of emotionally and physically painful IUI. I wish something nice would happen to me for a change.
Hi there! Just came across your blog today! Chin up honey! I hope for you, just like myself, that our babies will come! I too read Erica's blog, she's a tough one, but don't be fooled: we all break down when this beautiful dream of ours ends in dissapointment. Let's be strong for ourselves ok? Your crochet is lovely, such a beautiful craft you do! I admire your handiwork! :) life is good, if not giving us what we want right now, perhaps one day, but there is so much to enjoy. I feel good right now, even though I'm still reeling over my 5th failed ivf from a few weeks ago, just by reaching out to you! I like to say chin up! Someone will need to see you smile today, try to share it. Don't ever give up on your baby dream. It's a beautiful dream to have. Take care! Elizabeth, from Canada :)
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot Elizabeth. That was the sweetest encouragement I ever got. And I feel like i'm making too much fuss about nothing after reading about your 5th ivf. I'll definitely try to be more courageous while facing my 4th iui which is going to happen tomorrow. Your comment made my day. Thanks for the care. Hoping that our prayers have reached the great GOD - Blue Rose
DeleteHi there! Do you know what I've learned Blue Rose? There is no comparison in the heartache that we all feel when our baby dreams seem unattainable, no matter what our stories are. Your grief is as recognizable and tangible as my own, and it hurts, this I know. What a miserable club to belong to, but it is one of solidarity! Good luck today, and peace be in your heart! Elizabeth :)
ReplyDeleteHi Elizabeth, like you pointed out the solidarity of the club is really what keeps me going. The way we all keep each other strengthened is unique. So let's continue being there for each other. With lots of love and prayers - Blue Rose.
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