Stupid Stupid Stupid Eggs

         My body can't produce even one decent egg now. So much for taking all these costly treatments.

          I was to have my first IVF cycle this month and when they called from my hospital to reach there on day2, I was a bit hopeful, even though I was not much hopeful. For IVF treatment I have to go to the main hospital which is situated at our state capital and I am living three districts away. So it was truly a nightmare to travel to and from the hospital every day for all those damn injections. The biggest problem was what to do with my work. I couldn't afford to take leave for all those days. But fortunately 3 holidays came in a succession and that was a big relief. Then started the big strike in our capital city and every day I was afraid that there will be some major problem and they will declare a hartal and then I may not be able to reach the hospital in time. But somehow or other, with a lot of help from my parents I completed 3 days of pills and 8 days of injections (17 injections after which the area where they gave me injection in my upper arm has turned slighly blue. Is it normal? Gaahhhhhh...)

          Then day before yesterday, they did a scan and told me the eggs weren't growing as much as they were supposed to be. In my earlier cycles, eventhough the number of eggs were not much, I never had a problem with growth. The one or two eggs that I had were all excellent eggs with above 20 cm growth on day 12. But now on day 13 they'v grown only 16 cm. Yesterday they confirmed this. My eggs have stopped growing. I have no idea how this happened.

         Is it that all these medications have somehow caused this in my body? I don't know if I could trust treatment after this. I'm afraid that I will remain like this and my eggs have stopped growing forever. I'm not much of a religious person and my parents scold me saying that I should go to temple more often or otherwise I may not see any good results. Some times I find myself thinking that I'm going through this because I'm not religious enough.

          Now my doctor gave me DHEA for another 2 months and told me this is a wonder drug and that after taking this, people are known to have achieved natural pregnancy. But what she didn't remember was that I had been taking it for the last 7 months. What difference can 2 more months make. Especially now that new problems are developing.

          I know I should be more courageous and positive. But I feel like I've simply broke down. Apart from the emotional and financial difficulties I face, I don't know how to face the coming holidays when my husband's sister and brother (both of them with ample kids) come visiting. How can I fake smiling and answer the questions on my treatment from my sister-in-law and the wife of my brother-in-law. I don't think I'll have enough courage to tell them that my stupid body can't produce even one good egg. And when I look at my husband who is bravely hiding all his sadness to give me some support my heart breaks evenmore. I feel so guilty thinking that he got stuck with me. I want to just lie down somewhere and cry a lot. I don't have the courage to go back after two months and maybe hear the same verdict.

Am I Losing My Reason to Live?

One worry in my life eliminated

          It has been some time since I posted anything here and that was because I was busy eliminating a worry from my life. If I have to complete probation in my current job, I had to pass three exams and I had been putting off appearing for them due to many reasons but the main one being my laziness. But last month I decided I'll get it over with and after two-three weeks of studying I wrote the exams. I'm almost confident that I'll clear them. So Thankfully there will be one thing less to worry when the results will finally come.

          On the IF front, I'm getting ready for my first IVF cycle. My Egg retrieval will happen around 12 August. I'm so confused about everything that I can't concentrate on anything. Hope everything will turn out fine.

Back....

          Finally my DH found some time to repair my comp. In between this time, I was swinging from acute depression to mild depression because my 4th IUI also failed. But I feel a little better now. I did manage to squeeze in some work in between. Mostly during the TWW.

starburst runner - nano size

Crocheted flower and leaf.

          I tried making the starburst runner I found on Nima's blog. But then AF happened and I lost all urge to complete it. So I made it nano sized. Hope Nima will forgive me for thus mutilating this runner.

          I went to hospital last week to again see the doc. She looked into my file and coolly said 'Now there seems to be no reason to continue with IUI. So let's start IVF. In your case, even with high stimulation your ovary may produce only one or two eggs. So there seems to be no much using costly medicine for follicular stimulation. So we'll do low cost IVF.' And I asked her 'Madam, But the first time they did IUI in the other hospital they got 4 eggs after stimulation.' And that 'WOMAN' had guts to look me in the eye and tell me 'But that was a long time ago. Now things are much worse.' I wanted to slap her and then bust out crying. But I somehow controlled myself and asked her 'Then madam, why did you make me go through 3 IUI's (plus one cycle wasted coz the doctor was on leave) if time was so important.' And she simply said, 'Well you can never tell.' Doesn't she have any idea that what she's treating so carelessly is my future? Now I've lost all the faith in this 'low cost IVF' thing that she is proposing. I wonder if it is not some other ploy to waste my time, money and precious eggs.
   
          Anyway I have to go through this and there seems to be no other option. So please put in a word to God for me.

Hope gone down the drain

Fourth IUI also a major failure. Right now I'm in the 'crying my eyes out' phase. I just don't want to go back to that ****ing hospital. Somebody please say something nice to me please.

Reasons I had and never realized

          Till now I've been worrying that I'v got no reason to live. But last 10 days taught me that there was much that I was just ignoring all this time.

          It all started when I lost my headphone. It was one which my husband gave me and was of excellent quality. I just can't figure out where I tossed it and I'm someone who never misplaces things. (my things especially). So now I can't peacefully enjoy one of the biggest blessings that I ignored until now - music.

          Then my father-in-law, who had always been of great support to me during my tumultuous journey of IF had an injury in his knee from falling down. Now he's bedridden and it pains me a lot.

          Then my laptop brokedown and that means I can't make any contact with any of my friends in my blog. I can't look up patterns for needlework and generally not distract myself. So now I'm using my office computer and while writing this post, every second I've to turn around and check if anyone is standing behind me and watching what I'm doing. Total lack of privacy :(

          Then my husband had to leave home for 3 days on an official tour.

          Now I'm suffering from a nasty cold.

         I'm wondering why I didn't realize that I had music, love and care, a hobby to indulge in and impeccable health (apart from dysfunctional ovaries) until I lost them one by one. I guess it must be the way of some external power to make me learn these things.

          Now, eventhough the only thing that is left to happen is AF which is due to happen next week, I feel I should've been happy for these things. But I've one new thing to be happy about and that is a new friend I made - nima at Made to treasure. Thanks Nima for your helping hand and beautiful patterns.

Tatting up Reasons to Live

Some motifs from different tatting and crochet sites which I reproduced.

Pineapple swirl edging - I made a mistake with the second pineapple. I forgot to make one set of chains. Hence the distorted look. :(

Now an original creation. I didn't follow any pattern when I did this work. But this is just a common combination of rings and chains.

I named this one 'The Muddy Star' because of its colour :)

New Discovery - Irish Crochet

          Last week I was browsing the net for crochet books and I came across a book on Irish Crochet. That was the first time I heard that term and I looked it up. I was mesmerized to see works done in this wonderful type of crochet. The feeling was similar to what I felt when I saw my first tatting pattern at needlecraft. I had to learn this wonderful art. So I downloaded a free book and set about learning Irish Crochet. This is the first result.

          In this type of crochet a padding cord is used to make sturdy lace with a 3D effect. If you look it up on google you can see the amazing things people have done using Irish Crochet. Maybe it was beginner's luck. But my first motif turned out alright. I'm still not completely sure about the technique. But I think this is a passable reproduction. Also I'm not sure if 'padding cord' is some special type of  cord. I just used the working thread folded into 4 as padding cord.

Musings on Human Nature and 4th IUI

          Finally the 4th IUI also got over yesterday. Now starts the miserable two week wait.

          I had to take an injection on the day before the IUI and since this medicine had to be kept refrigerated I didn't buy it from the hospital. Instead I got it from a pharmacy in my town. Then I went to three different labs to get the injection taken. But all of them sent me away. I was on the verge of tears as it was nearing 5'o clock and the medicine had to be taken at exactly five pm. As a last resort I went to the lab farthest from the town. I reached there exactly 5 minutes before 5'o clock and when i told them about the injection, the girl behind the counter said she'll ask her superiors about it since they usually don't take injections there. I waited praying to all Gods and i was ready to break down and cry if they said they wouldn't do it. But to my relief they were willing to do the injection. They didn't even take any payment from me since they usually didn't do injections there. They did it for me only because of the special situation. So I made a small donation to their charity club. When I left the technicians were very pleasant to me and made me promise that I'll tell them the good news if the IUI is successful. After the rejection at the first three labs, the people at this lab felt like angels to me. I wish all the good in this world to them. I wish I had the good fortune to visit them with sweets once I get my greatest wish granted.

Reception room of the Infertility Treatment Centre which I currently attend. The doll I hate is on the left side.

          The thing that I hate most about the IF treatment centre which I currently attend is the life size baby doll they have in their reception. I always feel an urge to smash it whenever I lay my eyes on it. It reminds me of my handicap in a most painful way and I feel like the hospital is trying to do some emotional blackmailing on all the patients who visit them using this doll. Does anybody agree with me or is it my sick mind conjuring up things out of my hatred towards my condition?

          This time also the Doctor yelled and scolded me when I cried out in pain during the process. I remember feeling depressed and thinking she ought to say relaxing things to me instead of shouting at me. I wish I could go back to my first doctor. He was infinitely better than the current one and while he did the first IUI on me he was so relaxed and talked to me soothingly during the process. Even though I felt some pain, it was really bearable since I could feel he was being careful. But this woman makes me feel like she is out to cut out my innards instead of treating me. Unfortunately, after the failure of my first IUI, the doctor said there is no use of continuing with IUIs and recommended me to another hospital for IVF. But since that hospital is not affordable to me I had to come to the hospital which I'm currently attending. Wish these people will come to senses and treat me in a more humane way.. :(

         

         

Moving On

          Last one week was hell, trying to come to terms with the fact that I will have to resume living with the nasty things that are happening to me. So I decided to modify my tactics and arm myself with new reasons to live.

          On Wednesday after the visit to my hated doctor (She chimed that we'll do one more cycle of IUI and I kept my face expressionless while what I wanted to scream at her was 'Do something aggressive for a change coz already my ovaries are 50 years old and I don't want to wait till they turn 60.' God!! Why doesn't she see the condition I'm in? Why does she insist on doing the same old treatments to me when my own body is plotting against me?) I went to my favourite book shop and bought a handful of books. I've also decided to brush up one of my earliest and most dreaded dreams - appearing for the civil service exam. Guess there is no harm in trying. Now I feel like I can face anything, even a failure in the exam, because I'm facing far far worse things.  

          So then I went to the Indian Coffee House and sat there and drank ...... COFFEE. Yes .... COFFEE. I haven't drank coffee ever since I started this cursed journey of IF and now I decided to break the spell. While I sat at ICH, reading my favorite book and drinking coffee, I tried to make myself believe that nothing has changed. That my life was still the old life when I roamed my most beloved Trivandrum city hunting the second hand bookstalls and adoring the city, its museum, the kanakakkunnu palace, the numerous small lanes, the evening rush in front of the secretariat and the libraries which were my haven. I tried to imagine that I was relaxed and there were no realities waiting to pounce upon me when I get back to life. And it helped. I feel like i've returned to being sane after that Wednesday.

          Now i'm somewhat ready to face the gruesome treatment and work schedule waiting for me this month. I've even figured out how to crochet a pineapple swirl edging. I'll post a picture when i'm finished. And I tatted some motifs and have started preparing for the exams.

And to everybody out there ... have a happy Monsoon:)

LATEST BATTLE

          My monthly woes were two days late this time and just as I started to build some hope, it came crashing through this morning. I was sooo totally shattered. Now I'm filled with dread and despair and heavy sadness. Wish I could take it on courageously like my friend Erika. But guess i'm too immature.

         I've always been proud of myself for my ability to face my problems and situations head on and deal with them directly. I am someone who hates waiting for something to happen to me and I usually go in search of things. But this is the worst that can happen to anyone like that. 

          When I confront Infertility, it is like I have my hands and feet tied up. There is nothing much that I can do except do what I ought to do and then wait for things to happen. It seems like an endless waiting. Every month I wait for the bad news to come and then wait to see the doctor, wait to get the medications, wait to get IUI done and then the cycle starts anew. This has become the deadly pattern of my life. 

          And when I called the hospital to ask if the doctor whom I wanted to see was available tomorrow, the answer was no. Now I have to again visit the replacement doctor who is a pure bitch. I don't know if this is her general attitude to life, but she seems to be very pessimistic in my case. She makes it a point to let me know that there is nothing much she can do to help me. She acts as if she is pushed to go through these motions. Not even a kind word or an encouraging gesture. There was this one time when I missed an appointment because my boss wouldn't grant me a leave. I rushed to the hospital at the next available opportunity and I was on the verge of tears cursing my stupid stupid stupid job but at the same time helpless to let it go coz it is what pays the bills for me. And when I went in to see the doctor, she simply started shouting at me for missing the appointment even when I told her of my predicament. I guess a bit sensitivity would have been better for me than those pills which she gave.

          I've been begging God to not make me go back to her this month. But here it goes again. And now i'm back with the endless wait and one more cycle of emotionally and physically painful IUI. I wish something nice would happen to me for a change.

Dreaming of words

          What ever said and done, if I get my hands on a wonderful book, I forget all my worries and depressions and get myself immersed in it. I looooooove reading.I love to say that I don't read, but devour books.

          My ultimate fantasy is to get a hefty salary for simply reading the books that I love. What a beautiful dream :)

My Idea of Heaven

           This is the book that I'm currently reading. Got it about a month back. But unlike novels, which I usually read, this is a history book and u have to do some work reading it. But I persist since Ashoka is the historical figure that I like most. I'm almost half way through it.

          

          This is a great book with a narrative style that will make you a part of the long journey of re-discovering the history of Ashoka. When you read about how our precious historical artifacts were wantonly destroyed by ignorant people of bygone years, you'll definitely feel sorry. When I went through the book, I felt like it was a most wonderful thing how the history of Kind Ashoka, which was forgotten for centuries, again came to be known and celebrated. We learn about the great king in school without ever learning how history trod roughly upon his memory. This book is a must read for every enthusiast of history. 

Some of my attempts to distract myself

          Ever since I started upon tatting, I used what ever time I could to find tatting patterns on the net and reproduce them.

          None of the patterns above are original. They are reproductions from various sites I found on the net.
But the one below happened when I tried freestyling.

          This happened when I started learning crochet. But I haven't progressed much ever since.

          And here's an attempt on beading - a beaded rose (Not original -of course!!).

          Guess I'm doing doing a passable job of finding a reason to live :)

Low AMH, High FSH and tatting.

      What can be the connection between these things, u may wonder. But in my case, there is every connection between them since the first two led me to the third one which is currently my primary reason to live.

          It all started on the day a few months back when my doctor told me that I apparently have 'low AMH and high FSH' which means that I have very few and mostly rotten eggs in my ovary so that most probably I won't be able to have a kid of my own. My world turned upside down and it hasn't been the same ever since. Now I'm left to find out a reason to sustain my living and every day is a new battle.

         Agreed it is not like I've some grievous disease like cancer. But this condition also requires a daily battle - battling off curious people (I can't even make new acquaintances coz then there will be the inevitable question -'and your kids?'), Finding time and money to undergo treatment which requires me to go to hospital for atleast 5 days every month (this is the most difficult battle because I'm shouldering the most thankless and demanding Office job and my probation hasn't been declared yet), Finding ways to remain sane after continous encounters with insensitive/sadistic doctors who inflict the most humiliating and painful treatment procedures on me, the depression and hopelessness that some times barge in, and most of all the feeling that there is nothing that I can do to stop this from happening to me.

          One day I was particularly depressed and was finding enjoyment in the fantasy of locking up and torturing all those relatives who can't take a rest without finding out  why I'm not having kids. But after some time even that offered little consolation and I was on the verge of breaking down. In order to distract my self I decided to browse internet for some mural paintings and I stumbled upon the blog that changed my life - Bhavani Harikrishnan at Needlecraft. 

              After I saw those beautiful bookmarks that she'd done I couldn't wait till I learn to make them. As there was nowhere I could find a tatting shuttle I began with needle tatting and this was the first piece that I ever tatted.

          Now, whenever things look bleak, I take up tatting or some other wonderful creative forms that this sweet blog taught me - like crochet, beading or embroidery. But the biggest problem is I'm still using up most of my energy hating my circumstances. So I intend this blog to be my journal in which I keep a record of my struggles against my 'conditions' and my attitude.

 

          To anybody who ever visits this world of mine - Please be my friend, but until I tell u never ask me the question '...and how many kids do u have?'.

By Way of Introduction

I'm a totally confused human being who have no idea what's going on with life. I'm just going where ever life is taking me without any plan. I feel like i have no control over what had happened or is happening in my life and i feel i'm totally floating of to somewhere. I try to find some mooring by doing something creative but i'm so fickle that i don't seem to be able to pursue anything to a proper ending. I wish i'd be able to outgrow this at some point.